When the muse knocks in you cannot ignore her. Let her in!

The last week has been a whirlwind of beyond crazy.  We knew that starting chemo was going to present us with some new challenges, but we had no idea what the universe had in store for us this week.  I knew the chemo nurse had jinxed us when she told me to go home and rest and plan for a quiet weekend.

We went straight from chemo in Winchester to the ICU in Brockville and before we could even wrap our heads around the concept, we were saying goodbye to one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met -- my father in-law.

Here we are a week later and just days after his funeral and it still doesn't feel like it is real.  I keep hoping that this is another cruel joke from the universe and he is going to walk in the door Timmies in hand at any moment; but sadly, no such luck. 

As sick as he was, he asked me how I made out at chemo.  I told him 'much better than expected' and he'd said good before closing his eyea again.  I never dreamed it would be one of the very last things he would ever say to me.

The service was lovely; from the flowers and Legion service through to the funeral service and graveside prayers.  The staff at the funeral home were so wonderful to us all.  2 of his sons and one of his grandsons paid lovely tribute to a man we were not ready to part with. Our long time friend and minister and a close family friend prepared a wonderful service. Voices of angels filled that chapel. The Ladies Aux prepared a luncheon and the branch flag flew at half mast for most of the week. A wonderful tribute to one of the most selfless and amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to know.  He welcomed most everyone into his heart and family with open arms.  He was a rare breed.

Papa would have loved the piper.  Most of all I think he would have been pleased to know that all of his kids, grandkids and great grandchildren came out to see him off and show Nana some love.  He would have loved that best of all.

I dreamt about him the other night.  It was the strangest thing.  He never said a word but he had the biggest smile on his face.  I joked to my hubby that if he was gonna wake me up, at least he could have said something. LOL  His smile was so warm and bright. I cannot help but think that he was trying to let us know that he is OK.  A number of family members have seen random signs this week.  Seems like our Papa -- always making sure everyone else is ok.

I have to admit that for much of this week chemo really kicked my butt.  I tried not to make a big deal of it but at the point we misplaced the bag of chemo meds and anti nausea/acid saving graces I about lost my mind!  They have since been found.. misplaced in the shuffle of this week.

I have a hand full of chemo cheerleaders who called or messaged daily to see how I was doing and reminding me to get rest when I could.  One of my best friends surprised me by coming out for the funeral.  Her hug was one of the bigggest highlights of my week.

My amazing mother inlaw had just lost her beloved soul mate and teddybear and was worrying about me.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  We are so very grateful that our kids and grandkids get to have her as a role model. I too am so very truly blessed to have been adopted to what my in-laws affectionately call the nuthouse. 

My addled brain is still percolating on the piece that the muse gave me this morning  but I imagine it will end up here in the near future. 

I woke up just after 2 am this morning. The chemo fog seems to have dissipated and my brain seemed to be reciting a future blog post.  Try as I might I couldn't get back to sleep. It was like someone handed me the lyrics to a new song that I just had to get up and sing.  I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened. 

I cannot get to my computer until my legs are wrapped and brace on, then realized my tablet case got left in mom's car in the shuffle.  So here I am blogging on my phone which I never do.  Do you what you gotta do, right?

It Takes A Village

11 years ago today we picked up the keys to our first home and moved into the village of Cardinal, Ontario. Seems to me that the welcome sign said 5000 and we joked we were going to sneak over and place a big 5 over the last 0.

Mother's Day 2012 ~ My Annual Post.

Happy Mothers Day to all my Mom, Grandma, and Stepmom Pals! If you are fortunate to still have your mom in your life.. give her an extra little hug today. She has earned it. ♥ So grateful that my teddybear doesn't mind sharing his with me. We are truly blessed :)

On Mother's Day, I have always sent out a very special shout out to my Dad, and to all the Single Dad's who made the supreme sacrifice of taking on a job that was never intended for one to do alone.  

I cannot imagine what kind of terror was going through Dad's head when he realized that he would be raising his two girls, then just 10 and 3, on his own - Why he didn't drop and run for the hills to save himself,  I may never know. Some might argue that he's a sucker for punishment ;)  

It couldn't have been easy raising 2 girls solo, particularly during a time when not having a "Mom" in the house seemed to have such a stigma on it.  I remember friends not being allowed to come over to play anymore because there was no "Mom" and a birthday party disaster created because I invited random kids from school when none of my friends were allowed to come and I didn't want to hurt my Dad with that truth. Didn't seem to matter that we'd arranged for my cousin to come and stay for the party.  Somehow the absence of a mom-unit made Dad a perv..  I never got that logic.  People are weird.  

Dad and I didn't always, and don't always see eye to eye but through the good, the bad and the ugly he was always a constant.  No matter what we always knew that we had a home to come home to.   

So much about that time both intrigues me, and eludes me - so many questions unanswered and songs left unsung.  Sometimes, I cannot help but feel sad for all that we missed.  

As a teen, Dad used to blast me for telling people that my mother was dead.  He'd say she was my mother and should be respected as such, but I found that once people learned she was gone that they didn't ask the hard questions that I had no answers for.  It just seemed easier somehow. 

I am reminded now of a time in my early 20's when after many years of non-contact I saw my mother walking down the street. Emotion got the better of me when she walked on by like she didn't even know me, and I'd turned on my heels and screamed at her.  She didn't even miss a step, but the friends I was with at the time were horrified to learn that this woman walking by was in fact, my mother. 

When I reflect on all of the time wasted, in chasing the wind, and wishing on the might-have-beens, it just makes me sad.  No child should ever have to grow up wondering if their parents love them, or why they weren't wanted anymore.  The awesome story that 'might have been' remains unwritten, but I suppose it could be argued that we never lost something we never truly had to begin with.  

She may have given us life, but for reasons unknown to me she closed the book before she got to know the women that her babies became.  She will never know our families or our children - her grandchildren - or watch their stories unfold. When I think about it like that, it is hard not to think that it is she who has missed out, and continues to miss out - so many cherished moments that she hasn't been a part of. 

I am fortunate now to celebrate Mother's Day as a Stepmom to 3 of the most wonderful and amazing children that God put on this earth.  I didn't give them life, but I have made them a part of my life and though it's had it's moments over the last 15 years, I cannot imagine a life without them in it.  There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, and I would defy anyone who would say that after all these years that they're not *my* children also.  

Sometime family is just as much about the friends and loved ones that you meet along the way, then those you are born to.  Maybe therein lies the real message, the real truth.  It is not as much about the life you were born to, but that which we make for ourselves.  Perhaps in your leaving, and all the words left unsaid much more was taught and said than was evident at first glance. 

Today is Mother's Day, a day traditionally marked by my sister and I by a commiseration of all we've lost and still don't understand. 

This year, despite being knee-deep in the midst of yet-another med drama in my continued journey - this life as a guines pig - I find myself feeling incredibly grateful for our Daddy-Mom who instilled in us the importance of family and always being there for one another.  We haven't always agreed on what all that entails, but just to know that there is someone out there who loves you and would do anything for you is often enough. 

I am blessed with a wonderful teddybear, and with 3 (not so) little (anymore) bears that he shares with me.  I have the world's best in-laws and some of the best friends around - many who stuck by me since the very beginning.  When I look at all I've been through to get here, and where I've ended up, I cannot help but feel grateful. 

Turn a different corner, and who knows where things would have ended up!  ;)