Friday, 18 July 2014

Longing for Someday ~ Someday is no longer a day of the week..

It is oddly amusing to me that a day that by its own definition should bring much happiness and merriment to all -- simply does not -- In fact, quite the opposite it has long-since been a source of sadness and a stark reminder of all that had been taken from us.

So many questions that would have no answers - not real ones anyhow - some answers come without any questions creating more mysteries, suppositions and innuendo from folks feeling some need to weigh in on matters of the past each with their own assertion of authenticity.  Some tidbits at least had some merit, some grain of truth - but others, even a young starry eyed girl could  see the forest clearly, despite the crowing birds in the trees.

So much time wasted, and opportunities lost - all for the sake of foolish pride and long-ago antics that should have been laid to rest long ago - a tragedy to say the least.  Oh the life and times we could have had together -- if only I could make you walk out of my dreams and back into my life.  

Thinking back to many brief interludes where you'd seen to dance into aand back out of my life -- each time leaving behind more sadness, more longing and with age more of a renewed sense of something missing as a young lady realizes that a family of just 3, is a far cry from a family of 10 and 13 aunts and uncles and all the cousins that this would entail.  The vow grows stronger that I will have my day of reckoning if it's the last thing I ever do. I build a ladder of hope  with my candles of wishing as though that might help my plight. 

For the longest time that promise of someday was enough to sustain a young girl's heart.  A young girl's love basked in the promise and fed on thoughts of future times that would be enjoyed together on that glorious day when all would be revealed and our new lives together would begin.  And Oh what a wonderful day that would be! 

Not uniquely, there comes a day in every young girl's life when fairy tale dreams go to sleep forever.  Sadly the reality of the situation is that princesses and dragons live only in novels.  Days spent in longing and waiting, wondering in might have beens are lost forever as the heart grows up and turns colder. 

Many years of bouncing between the worlds of what I know to be true, and the way my heart wants it to be, and trying to paint all that remains with only sporadic feedings and compost just don't suffice.  Much Ado about almost nothing, and much heartache stemming from the wondering for many years what a young girl could have possibly done to warrant complete banishment from your kingdom, and the kingdom of her dreams. In my heart of hearts, I placed the blame on everybody but you.  

I devoted my life to a journey back to you, a romanticized pursuit of a love I'd perceived as lost - rarely a day went by when I wasn't counting on that "Someday."  Sadly when my bright shining moment finally came, you had nothing to say. 

How can you look me in the eye and tell me that the past should stay in the past.  Don't you see you left me there struggling with only questions, and no answers.  Don't I deserve to know why I was denied the chance to know the real you and how she might have matched the Queen in my dreams?  

Ironically, your final words for me were that I was not yet ready for a relationship with you.  I was gobsmacked and speechless - two things that have rarely come to me in this life time.  How could you not have known?

Quite the contrary dear mother, for I was always here waiting for you, looking for you, and loving you. 

But I have learned..  it was never about me anyway.  

Your choices, your mistakes, and your footsteps walking away.  Your choice to remain so..   and still somehow, I always manage to remember your birthday.  
Lucky me. 

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